Everyone else in this household is asleep. Through my bedroom window I see a perpetual stream of motor vehicles coursing through the expressway. My ears can comprehend, though barely, the rain drops lightly beating themselves against the different surfaces of this vicinity. This skimpy bedtime attire i'm wearing, it's letting my skin feel a light touch of comfort that the delicious temperature is generously giving away. I'm supposed to be in bed, snoring the burgundy-skied night away. The circumstances are so conducive, and yet, I'm not even close to letting out a mere yawn.
This head of mine is keeping me awake. I can't figure out who or what is controlling this cranium but it's just not allowing me the forty winks I need prior to a brand new day. Instead, I am being forced to at least make an attempt at untangling this metaphorical ball of yarn that's residing somewhere in between my heart and my head.
Nights like these are nights that I have to confront myself with the issues that have been plaguing me the entire duration of my life. Actually, these aren't really troubling thoughts. They are just entities and aspects of my life that are simply too huge for my twenty year old mind to properly grab a hold of. I might take another two decades to understand my life and the various forces surrounding it. I might take more time than that. I might take less. It is also probable that I might never.
Life can be a chronological cycle. Life can also be a linear timeline. Heck, it might even throw a curveball and create divergences and diversions just to throw us off the path that we were meant to be in or want to be on. Life is confusing and yet, life is so assuring. It scares me so much but for some reason, I still assume this vessel to carry on with my journey. Ah yes, life is a journey, is it not? Or perhaps it is a series of missions. What is life?
What is life in general and what is my life? Does my life deviate from conventions or does it adopt mainstream notions? Why do I live? What do I live for? What am I today? What will I be tomorrow? Who will I be when I am on my death bed, just mere seconds away from giving my last breath? When will that happen? Will I be content with my life when that happens? Will I be lucky enough to have someone by my side when this happens?
These are but a few of the plethora of thoughts bottlenecked in my head. There is so much to think of. Life and death. The family I have now and those that I may have. The future, both immediate and long term. Love of the casual sort with the many friends I have. Love of the intimate sort with that one special being who occupies a sacred portion of the heart. Religion and how much it applies to me. Career or lack thereof. I'm getting a headache just from thinking of the things to be given thought.
Well, whatever it is, I strongly hold on to the belief that time and God will reveal to me how my life is supposed to be played out. I foresee trecharous mountains to be climbed, lovely flower fields to trek across, mud swamps and fresh waters to swim on. I am strong but I am not invincible. I will need help from the people I love and from the people who love me. I have to draw strength from past experiences, from faith, through prayers.
I am only twenty years old and I have so much more to learn and gain. I will also have countless opportunities to make mistakes, fall down and lose what I have gained, but I shall also take those opportunities as blessings. Blessings because I shall be able to learn from the mistakes, pick myself up when I fall and earn back what I have lost.
Let this post serve as a reminder to myself in the future that life, as elusive and incomprehensible as it is, is also simple. All we need is direction, motivation, perspiration.
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